I know.

You are just trying to get by on your own and here I am saying that we need to think of our partners.

When we had to terminate our twins for medical reasons, try to conceive after several miscarriages and then Loey’s death, I didn’t think we as a couple would have made it and sometimes I wonder if we will. It takes continuous personal growth and commitment.

You see GRIEF tears you apart from the inside out.

It’s an intimate affair with your heart and soul

And no one, not even your partner will understand the depths of your darkness.

Grief is a SOLO adventure.

What I mean by this, is that YOU are the only one in this adventure that knows what you need and what you don’t need. Everyone else is GUESSING and sometimes REALLY BADLY.

As we try to make sense of the crazy mixed up emotion of GRIEF, we also have our partner next to us who is going through something similar but not the same.

I know it’s confusing.

How do we still connect?

How do we even talk?

How do I share what I need with them ?

All couples notice that their relationship is affected after loss and with regards to my story … baby loss.

Some feel closer and others drift apart.

Regardless of what happens we learn more about ourselves, our souls and our hearts than ever before.

The stress of it all is unmeasurable and grief demands a lot from each of us.

Some days we can get through it and other dayS … NOT.

I find that couples will drift or withdraw at different times with the feeling of shame, pain, anger, and sadness.

Your relationship alters - changes.

Intimacy feels different.

AND

We often grieve differently

ALL with a sensitive wounded heart.

This is where conscious actions and mindfulness is important.

making a conscious decision to commit to your relationship is VITAL and when you do

you work together to survive AND HEAL.

Here are a FEW things that helped me and some strategies / reminders that I share with my clients

NURTURING
PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT
COMMUNICATION in a RESPECTFUL WAY
KNOWING YOUR EMOTIONS and TRIGGERS
ACCEPTANCE
RITUALS
INTIMACY
DATES
PERSONAL TIME

Nurturing is about allow space for each other to grieve and mourn. Grief isn’t there to fix, it is there to be noticed and nurtured. So, I invite you to nurture your grief so that you can do the same with your partner. What does that look like? Holding space without attachment and expectation.
Professional support, like a therapist or a coach or a support group who will be able to hear your thoughts and your needs and help you both see each other in a neutral way. I saw a grief therapist who helped me enormously in understanding what to expect and how to support my husband as I also support myself and heal.
Communication in a respectful way is HARD when you do not have the brain capacity nor the strength to breathe. It is a CHOICE and when you make that choice to communicate with respect and compassion, forgiveness is easier. Don’t get me wrong, there will be times when you lose it and your partner will as well but knowing that there is the foundation of respect make a difference and will anchor you.
Knowing your emotions and triggers is a BIG ONE. When we understand how grief shows up, have awareness of our inner self talk, narratives and beliefs, that is when we are able to recognise that we are being triggered and thus can take a moment to be curious and share why you have been triggered.
Acceptance of how each other grieves without changing or fixing is important. This is a BIG ONE too, because it’s hard to see our partner grieve and you feel helpless but please know that when you are holding space for them, you are helping them heal.
Rituals! Creating rituals to remember your baby or the person you lost is an important process in our grieving and every couple / person has their own way of remembering. It creates a connection to our baby / loved one that you both share.
Intimacy was a challenging one for us and still is. After Loey’s death, I felt very disconnected from my body and couldn’t even think about having sex. However, intimacy doesn’t always mean intercourse. You can touch each other, hold each other and just be. This helps our bodies heal and can helps us move forward in our intimacy with each other.
Dates start off as hard. You feel guilty and scared because you don’t want to be triggered when you are at your favourite restaurant. I get it. It happened to me. We sometimes just headed out for a bike ride or swim or picnic. It can be a shared activity with just the two of you. It takes time but these dates are a way of reconnecting. Remember to put YOUR PHONE DOWN and make eye contact, laugh, touch each other and kiss.
Personal time for you! We need our own time to restore, to reconnect and to heal. This might be a walk outside, a lunch date with a friend or listening to your favorite podcast. Having time for you is VITAL in your healing but also creates space for your relationship.

I wish I could say that everything gets better but sometimes it doesn’t.

It is up to us and what we are willing to commit to, need and let go of.

If you have any questions or comments, I would LOVE to hear from you.

with love,

MY PARTNER + I after loss