MY EGG DONOR STORY

In stories, we HEAL.

As I sit here thinking about the first time I was approached about using an egg donor, I can vividly see myself sitting at our dining room table looking shocked and staring into the backyard of our North Vancouver home.

Before that first call, we had experienced a twin pregnancy and had to TFMR [ termination for medical reasons ], several miscarriages, 2 failed IUI and had just started our IVF journey when we were told that my body didn’t respond well to the drugs and that we should think about alternatives.

The doctor that was supporting us on our journey had the worst bedside manner and I know that my PTSD was triggered and thus I didn’t feel safe with him.

Emotions in 2019

I saw a mother who wasn’t afraid to feel anxiety and joy. I also saw a mother who thought she wasn’t going to make it and felt exhausted and lonely at times AND she made it.

SHE FUCKING MADE IT.

I am honored to share my ✍🏽 JOURNAL + ANCHORING NLP STRATEGY with you and help you lean into your resilience and strength.

LOVING CHRISTMAS AFTER OUR STILLBIRTH

I know what you are thinking, this lady has lost the plot!

I get it! It didn’t happen overnight and it took a while but I LOVE Christmas again because it means something completely different to us as we had to redefine it for ourselves after infertility and the death of our twins and daughter. As a Pregnancy Loss Coach, I work with several women who find holidays triggering and only feel sadness, overwhelm and isolation. I’ve been there and it is incredibly hard. I get it.

MY PARTNER + I after loss

I KNOW.

YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO GET BY ON YOUR OWN AND HERE I AM SAYING THAT WE NEED TO THINK OF OUR PARTNERS.

WHEN WE HAD TO TERMINATE OUR TWINS FOR MEDICAL REASONS, TRY TO CONCEIVE AFTER SEVERAL MISCARRIAGES AND THEN LOEY’S DEATH, I DIDN’T THINK WE AS A COUPLE WOULD HAVE MADE IT AND SOMETIMES I WONDER IF WE WILL. IT TAKES CONTINUOUS PERSONAL GROWTH AND COMMITMENT.

EMOTIONS. SO MANY FREAKING EMOTIONS.

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS PREGNANT AFTER LOSING OUR TWINS THAT ALL I WANTED TO FEEL WAS HAPPY BUT COULDN’T.

I REMEMBER I TOLD MYSELF THAT THIS IS IT AND THIS IS OUR RAINBOW BABY. I EVEN WENT OUT TO BUY A BIB AND I WAS PLANNING ON TELLING MY HUSBAND THAT EVENING. SADLY, I MISCARRIED THAT NIGHT AND I HAD TO HIDE THE BIB AND TOLD MY HUSBAND A DIFFERENT STORY.

Getting Pregnant After Loss

Those words are full of so many emotions.

Thinking about trying again can be full of guilt, sadness and joy.

We want to be able to think about a beautiful baby in our arms, but after baby loss we don’t have the luxury of not knowing what could happen.

I remember after losing our twins, I was incredibly anxious about getting pregnant again.

The doctors, my family and even my husband kept reassuring me that it would be okay to start again.

So, we did and we tried IUI, IVF and the old fashion way of having sex on those 2 days.

My God Daughter and Loey [ Life after baby loss ]

This photo was taken after M had a melt down and we started to look outside into the clouds ️ and I could
feel Loey with us.

It was a magical moment and a moment I will not forget.

I believe that making new memories for the ones that were taken away is part of living a life with loss.

the secret is out

The secret is out and there is no more hiding in your pain and in your suffering.

Power of Thought [ in a life after loss ]

MY BIGGEST CHALLENGE WAS WHEN WE LOST OUR BABY GIRL AT 39 WEEKS LAST MAY. MY WORLD BROKE INTO A MILLION PIECES AND I WAS ANGRY, FRUSTRATED AND SAD. IF YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED ANY LOSS, YOU KNOW THE DEPTHS OF SADNESS THAT CAN OVERCOME YOU.

A YEAR ON, I HAVE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT MYSELF AND ALSO HOW TO EMPOWER MY LIFE AFTER LOSS. CHANGING MY MINDSET AND CHOOSING A BETTER FEELING THOUGHT HAS HELPED ME IMMENSELY. I TRAINED MYSELF OUT OF ALWAYS SLIPPING INTO THE DOOM AND GLOOM PATHWAY AND PAVING A NEW NEUROLOGICAL PATHWAY, THAT WAS MORE HOPEFUL.

What if you decided to believe that it could be no other way ......

It is the day after Mother's Day here in the States, and I think surviving my 6th mother's day after losing my twins and the first after losing my lovely little girl went well.

As well as you can expect while living in grief and loss.

Why and how ....

I think truly it was because I had a plan.

I had a plan of what I would like the day to be like, I had a plan that I could use as my go to, if all went completely pear shape. But, I think most importantly I chose me. I chose to celebrate myself as a mom, and as a person. I also chose to honor my babies and my relationship with loss. I did what my soul craved most of - self care and love.

s l o w i n it d o w n ...

That's my ego trying to survive.

I want to keep myself busy, because I fear the pain and emotions that are about to hit me like a massive wave - I am talking about a BIG STORM WAVE. When we slow down and when we start saying no to things that don't nourish us, that don't excite us - that is when the true healing comes.