Getting Pregnant After Loss
Pregnancy After Loss
Those words are full of so many emotions.
Thinking about trying again can be full of guilt, sadness, and joy.
We want to be able to think about a beautiful baby in our arms, but after baby loss we don’t have the luxury of not knowing what could happen.
I remember after losing our twins, I was incredibly anxious about getting pregnant again.
The doctors, my family, and even my husband kept reassuring me that it would be okay to start again.
So, we did and we tried IUI, IVF and the old fashion way of having sex on those 2 days.
OMG, the number of ovulation sticks I used!!
We had 4 miscarriages in 4 years. It was unbearable, but it made me more determined to get pregnant and bring my rainbow baby home.
***
After 4 years of heartache, we started to see a fertility specialist here in Seattle and we decided to use an egg donor to try and get pregnant.
We did the transfer.
We waited.
We went into the doctor’s office for a blood test.
We waited.
We were expecting!!!!!
It was a moment of joy, anxiety and incredible worry.
Seriously confusing!
It was beautiful Loey.
Here are some things that I learned from my journey that might help you.
PLEASE, remember that every journey is unique.
You will put a lot of pressure on yourself to get pregnant. There is a lot of emotions when you want something so much. I remember feelings of failure because I couldn’t get pregnant and I started to really judge my body and hate it for the fact it wasn’t working. I know - harsh. So, I invite you to notice when you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and to be gentle. Of course, you are placing pressure on yourself. All you want is to get pregnant and the last time you tried it didn’t work out. Momma, please know when you recognize your feelings and the reason why you are feeling this way, it will help decrease the stress and anxiety.
It is an emotional roller coaster ride for you. You are waiting to have sex, you are upset that sex isn’t about having fun anymore, you are eating all the right foods and meditating your little heart out. So, it should work - right. Well, not always and when you look at the pregnancy stick and there isn’t a positive, you start to grieve again. You may get angry, sad, frustrated and feel a sense of hopefulness.
Remember this is all normal and please be gentle.
You will need support. You will need someone to talk to you, someone there to hold space when you need to talk about your emotions. The one thing I have noticed is that we put on this brave face and we think we are okay, but we aren’t and we need support.
Don’t be scared to ask.
There is something about trusting. About trusting that you are doing everything that you can. Trusting that you are listening to your intuition and asking all the questions. Trusting that you will get pregnant. Trusting that you may not get pregnant and trusting your body.
Trusting.
You may also find that you and your partner will not agree on everything and that you might be more passionate about getting pregnant than they or that you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders trying to make it work.
I invite you to always communicate. Communication is the key to getting through this. Yes, sometimes it will be hard to talk and you might find that you don’t have the energy. Please do remember that when you do, it is important to share your feelings and it’s okay to seek out a coach or therapist to help.
Finding a good doctor and support team is extremely important. Someone that will understand your grief and your nervousness. I remember meeting one doctor, who had no bedside manner and he was extremely rude, very quick to judge and what frustrated me the most was that he kept saying - it will all be okay.
Well, I know now, that isn’t the case ALL the TIME.
If you are trying again, please take it one moment at a time - live in the present as much as you can.
It’s okay to feel all that you are feeling. It is okay to feel jealous, upset, angry, exhausted and overwhelmed. These are all natural human emotions.
They are not good nor bad, they just are.
You aren’t replacing your baby and this time is different from the last and every time will be different from the last.
The one regret I have while I was in my waiting period or TTC stage of my fertility, was that I STOPPED LIVING my FULL life.
Oh, no I can’t go on a ski vacation this winter, because I might be pregnant.
Oh no, I can’t learn to paddle-board this summer, because I will be pregnant.
Oh no, I can’t start that amazing new job, because I will be on maternity leave.
ALL FU*KING FALSE
It is just a story in our head.
GO LIVE YOUR LIFE. IT WILL BE OKAY.
Expectations! I can’t forget to talk about expectations.
Oh, I will try again this month and then get pregnant this month …. if I do this I will get pregnant …
ALL OF IT - BULLSHIT.
We build attachments when we expect and when our expectations are not met, we grieve all over again and that just sucks and doesn’t do us any favors. This is where the trust comes to play. This is where you hope but know that there is so much you can control.
PLEASE
Trust the moment.
Feel ALL the feels.
Be gentle.
Find support.
Ask all the questions.
Have no expectations.
If you need any support in trying to get pregnant or while you are pregnant after loss, I offer pregnancy after loss coaching. I work with you to make sure that this journey isn’t too overwhelming, to make sure you recognize and honor your emotions, create strategies to get you through, and support you on this important journey to your baby.
Any questions? I would LOVE to hear them.
Just POP them into the comments below or email them to me at
jenn@lossintransition.com
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Much love,
PALS is an amazing community that will support you through your journey.
